It's All Under Control

No? Well, that's not surprising, is it? There's a very good reason why you haven't seen it: They don't want you to see it. They know that Paranoia exposes them and their secret conspiracies to control every aspect of human life.

Who are they? Good question. That's exactly what they don't want you to know. And it's exactly what Paranoia reveals in every issue. They are the secret government. They are the Freemasons, the CIA, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Bilderberg Group, the New World Order, the Secret Council of Ten. They are the people who killed JFK, who covered up the truth about UFOs, who plotted the attacks of 9/11. They control the world and everything in it, including your mind unless you've got a tinfoil hat like the one I'm wearing right now to prevent them from bombarding my brain with secret mind-control rays.

Wait a minute . . . where was I? Oh, right, Paranoia magazine. It's an incredible magazine, founded in 1992, circulation 15,000, published three times a year and packed with the kind of information that the mainstream media won't tell you because they are part of them.

This issue of Paranoia also reveals that David Icke, the British conspiracy theorist who disclosed in a previous issue of Paranoia that the queen of England is really a shape-shifting Satanic reptile, is himself funded by money that comes from the Rockefellers, who Icke had previously identified as "reptilian full-bloods." It kinda makes you wonder about Icke, doesn't it?

And that's not all. The new issue of Paranoia also has a story about Lt. Col. Tom Bearden a "microphysics wizard" who has revealed that "1) Nothing contains everything" and "2) we can get something for nothing." Bearden is a genius who knows how to get unlimited free energy but his knowledge is suppressed by what he calls "an agency with a three letter acronym."

Now, I know you're thinking "that sounds crazy," but the article on Bearden wasn't written by some nut. It was written by Iona Miller, who is a "hypnotherapist" and "multimedia artist" who describes her work as a combination of "new physics, biophysics, paramedia, philosophy, cosmology, healing, creativity, qabalah, magick, metaphysics and society." So obviously she knows her stuff.

But one thing bothers me: Why do the editors call their publication Paranoia? Doesn't that sort of suggest that you'd have to be, you know, crazy to believe the stuff they print?

I decided to ask the co-editors, Joan D'Arc and Al Hidell. I called and Joan D'Arc answered. Well, I wasn't born yesterday so I knew that name was fake -- a subtle reference to Joan of Arc. So I asked her: "What's your real name?" She refused to tell me.

"You must surely realize that there are people out there who hate us and would want to harm us."

She told me that editing Paranoia was not a full-time job so I asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that," she said.

Apparently, when you're exposing the secret government you can't be too careful. D'Arc told me that Paranoia was born in 1992 in Providence, R.I., where she ran an alternative bookstore called Newspeak, which hosted weekly meetings of the Providence Conspiracy League. The league started collecting conspiracy information and storing it in a big loose-leaf binder with a picture of Lee Harvey Oswald on the cover. And the binder led to the magazine.

I asked her why the magazine is called Paranoia and she said that her co-editor, Al Hidell, named it and I should talk to him. She added that Al Hidell was not his real name.

I called Hidell, who confirmed that Al Hidell is a pseudonym that he chose because it was one of Oswald's aliases. He also wouldn't reveal his real name or his day job. "I work a nondescript office job," he said, "but I can't say anymore."

So I asked why he gave the magazine a name that seems to cast doubt on, you know, the sanity of its writers and the readers.

"I thought of it as a kind of preemptive war of words," he said. "I knew that people would call us paranoid so I kind of embraced the word."